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I have a few kids.... 5 in total and the wife and I have kicked around the thought on what age is a good time to sit the kids down to talk to them about sex and answer their questions. The kids do ask some questions from time to time and most of the time we avoid them and they usually ask when we may laugh at some adult situation in a movie/show and they want to know why we are laughing
Me personally my ex-wife sat my daughter down at about age 9 to 10 (she is 11 now) and basically spilled it all out to her about blowjobs, masturbation, everything... and when I found out I was pissed! I mean she was 9 she doesn't need to know about that type of thing. Whatever happened to being a innocent kid and not suppose to know things like that. We have caught my daughter talking to the youngest daughter (10 now) about masturbation and touching herself. So i had a nice talk with my 11 yr old.
Anyone ever have these issues? When do you think is a good age for children to know more about sex?
Any type of response is welcomed to advice or your experiences when you were a kid....
First, the disclaimer - I am not a biological parent though I have been closly involved in the rearing of my godsons when their parents separated. On the other hand, I am a consultant clinical psychologist and professor with expertise in sexual psychology.
I don't think there should ever be The Talk at any age. there should be several talks across the range of childhood at the initiation of the child by asking a question. The Talk is information overload and is often a source of considerable embarrassment to parent and child alike, which give the message that sex is unfit for normal conversation and is something to be embarrassed about.
If questioned at an inconvenient time, such as when adults snigger at a TV program, then simply say that at that time you would prefer to finish what you are doing but there should be a promise to explain things and answer immediately when you have the opportunity.
Make the topic part of ordinary conversation when answering a question and give brief but informative replies and invite the child to ask further questions or seek further clarification. Give information or explanations that are consistent with the child's age and level of knowledge. The conversation is child-centred and the agenada and boundaries are dictated by the child's level of curiosity and need for understanding things and not a knee jerk response by the adult.
Often you can ask questions before answering directly. "Daddy, my friend James says that his big brother has hairs on his peepee. Is he telling the truth?" "What do you think? Do you think that might be true?" "Well, you have hairs on your tummy going down so maybe it's true." "Yes, that's right. As we get older we gets extra hair under our arms, near our peepee, maybe on our chests, legs and arms." "Do ladies get hairs?" "Yes, but they don't have hairy chests or beards." "When will I get hairs?" "I can't give you an exact age but probably when you're a teenager. Maybe 13, perhaps after that or even before that." "OK."
A 14 year old boy might ask, "Dad, can you wank too much?" "How much would you think is too much wanking?" "Dunno. Maybe more than once a day." "Some guys don't jerk off very often - once or twice a week. Others jerk off more than once a day - maybe 3, 4 or more times. Your body will tell you if it's too much because your penis will get sore." "That's great. Thanks Dad." Don't ask him how often he masturbates. He will tell you if he wants you to know.
I didn't really plan on a talk... I just wanted to answer their questions as they asked and let it go from there. It's mainly when to answer the questions sometimes. For instance I don't think it has happened yet but I have been on a school bus with older kids when I was younger and they talked about all types of things. And I can imagine when one of the daughters of mine come home asking what a 'blow job' is. Besides me trying to keep a serious face what to actually say whether the truth or to give her a little white lie or to just explain it too her when she turns a decent age.
Isn't there some type of guideline that you should go by to not tell them anything because you might ruin there childlike innocense? It's kinda like Santa Claus in a way eventually your are going to tell your child the great secret when they are of age right around 9-10 (or if they find out by peeking .
But I agree with you Sykray on the fact of taking it on one question at a time when they ask them that is a bit better approach since i'm sure they will learn quite the bit from chatting with other peers. Kinda like I did.... I never had any talks with my parents and I think I had enough knowledge to get by
My wife and i always took the position when the questions arose answer them. Well this led to some funny occurances. In 2nd or 3rd grade, ad dinner, the oldest of our children wanted to know if shaking hands caused a women to have a baby since his best friends mother was pregnant. We knew that at some time the kids would ask this and we were prepared with a story book about how boys and girls are different and what happens to make a boy into a men and a girl into a women and how a man gets a women gets pregnant. After dinner I took my oldest upstairs and we sat down in our bedroom and read the book together and I answered all of the question that arose.
Several years after we had the talk with or oldest, our second child who already had the talk and had learned stuff from his older brother, blurted out in a playground voice, at dinner, What is a BLOWJOB!!! My wife and I looked at each other and I said that I would talk to him after dinner and since I had to the local hardware store to get some nails, we could talk in the car. Needless to say I reviewed straight sex, but went on the explain other forms of sex. In the discussion he asked if men can do with with men so I explained gay sex.
When It came time for our third child to have the talk when the qeustions arose we pros at it. Of course the older ones problably had something to say as well
We have always been very open about sex and as they got older they knew why MOM and DAD took naps on a Saturday and Sunday afternoon and were not to be disturbed.
We never made them feel guilty about masturbating - even though brought up Catholic - we explaind that it was normal including when we found porn videos and sex magazines in their rooms. In fact my one son had such a good collection of porn videos we would sneak them out when he was out and watch then rewind to where he had left off - The only time we had a comment about their sexual practices and we knew they had sex in their bedrooms when we were out - was when we found the covers on our bed messed up - solved the poblem the nest time we went out together by putting a note on the bedspread - It read "After sex, if messed up please straighten up but if your bodily fludis have gotten on to the spread please put in laundry and wash before we get home. signed your parents"
I wasn't implying, D1, that you would have THE TALK and go into information overload. LOL. You raised the idea yourself.
Personally, I draw a distinction between Santa, Tooth Fairies and Easter Bunnies and fobbing kids off with white lies about sex. If a child asks me if these fantasy figures are real, I simply return the question, "What do you think?" If the child says that she/he doesn't believe in them or shows signs that they have serious doubts then I would confirm their skepticisms.
If you fob kids off with stupid answers about sex then they learn not to ask questions about sex because they will get stupid or unhelpful answers.
"What's a blowjob?" Simply answered, "It is when someone sucks a penis. It isn't about blowing. It should really be called a suckjob."
Sometimes these questions turn into a conversation or series of questions but can simply be ended by the child saying. "Oh right. Now I know. I'm going to play at David's house now. Bye."
I will do my best to be open and straight forward with them. It will be interesting to see how they respond during the conversation. I'm actually kinda interested since I never had this conversation with my parents growing up.
D1, my wife and I are products of the "LOVE" Hippie generation where attitudes towards sex began to change. Remember our motto was "MAKE LOVE NOT WAR.'" Maybe that is why we have been so open with our children regarding that subject and were willing to answer questions about sex, unlike our parents who were born at the beginning of the 20th century and carried with them the sexual baggage of an earlier age.
Yes it wasn't talked about much and you were very hesitant in my house to talk about such things so they were just not talked about. I don't want to be like that but society thinks its a huge step to talk about this stuff with our children... I think it's better I talk to them than some teacher.
Teachers are a mixed bag. A bit too risky. Some are excellent and others cause more problems than they solve.
My experiences almost 50 years ago were of the biology teacher saying that the male puts his intromittant organ into the birth canal and leaves his spermatozoa there. Clear as mud!! Fortunately, I already knew the basics. My parents couldn't face telling me but they did give me a booklet.
