I recently got married in February. Before that we lived together for roughly six months. His ex-wife practically drove me crazy. She would call the house everyday to talk to him and would give any excuse in the world. That has finally cut down but now she is not wanting to accept the role of being a mother. My husband and I have custody of my 2 kids and his 3. Yes...we have 5. All you can hear out of her is the crying and moaning and complaining about never getting to see her kids but yet she never makes an effort to come visit them or spend any time with them. She gives us numerous reasons why she cant and keeps saying that things are going to change. SHe has been saying this for the past year. In the meantime, my husband tries to make excuses for her and sometimes I think he even feels a little sorry for her, because when I do say something he acts like it is not a big deal. I just want her to do what is best for her kids and be the mother that she needs to be. Her kids are asking for her and what do I tell them. I have caught her in lies and yet my husband wants me to believe her. Once someone lies to me that is it. That trust is gone. Having 5 kids with 4 being in school, it makes for a very hectic lifestyle between school activities, tutoring, housework, and all the running around that involves all of this, we are very busy. But when she wants the kids, she expects me to drop what I am doing just for me to meet her with the kids so she can have about 5 hours with them and that is only every 2 weeks as it is. Now she is starting to be late with her child support and cutting back time even more. I know that I should not let this stress me, but she causes my husband and I to have some misunderstandings. Is she worth that? He tells me all the time that I am the only Mother that the kids need. I know they love me, but come on MOM...step up to the plate and be the mom you need to be. Dont you mothers or father's agree?

I am very 2-sided where she is concerned. On one hand, I want her to spend time with the kids because they deserve the chance to get to know each other, but on the other side of it, I dont really care if she ever sees them at all. I love them like they are my own and I treat them with all the love and understanding a mother has.

Now, she has started emailing him, not everyday,but more than I think she should. it just seems like everytime I turn around there she is whether it be in an email, or on the telephone or just constantly causing issues. My husband tells me that I am making things worse than what they are and just let her be and ignore her. I just cant seem to get past these things. I want to know if anyone has any advice about this and how I can learn to cope with it. I have alot of years left with my wonderful husband and my new family. I dont want her constantly causing me headaches.

I hope everyone understood what I was saying because I was kinda just rambling on.

Thanks for any advice or opinions.

I will take any advice anyone has to give me.

I feel your pain. I was in the same position as your husband, only I had the younger child with me and she had the older child. When I remarried, my wife had a difficult time too. I had to tell my ex to only contact me if it involved the children. It took time, but eventually she stopped contacting me.

Why do you meet her with the kids? If she wants the kids, then she should pick them up at a pre-arranged time and drop them back off at a pre-arranged time. Don't let her change the rules. As for the child support, if it is still being paid and only a little late, just let it be. If it starts to become an issue, have your husband send her a letter and copy the attorneys and the court. She will get the message.

When my older child turned 18, my ex was going to have to pay child support for the younger child for five years. She instead offered me full custody with no mandatory visitation. I always knew it was about the money. How can a mother sell her child? I took the custody. She has not seen or spoken to him for 4 1/2 years. He seems fine, but only time will tell.

All I can say is, hang in there. Things will get better - in time. Good Luck!

Thanks for the advice. Sorry to hear that your son has not seen his mother in while. Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with some of these women. Being a mom I cant imagine not seeing my kids.

Yes, we got the dreaded phone call tonight. Believe it or not, she didnt want him, she actually just talked to her daughter. But she did say she would send the email. Its like she always had to be in communication with him somehow. Now she wants to use the webcam to compensate for her not being with the kids in person. What an easy way out, huh?

I just want to find a way to deal with the animosity I feel towards her before it causes friction in my marriage. I am a lot better that I used to be but I am going to have to deal with her for a long time to come.

TE_Man, how did your wife deal with it? And will take any advice from anyone.

My wife hasn't taken it well, but (with a little push from me) she ignored most of the ex's garbage. We bickered often and she was right about many things. But the more my wife pushed, the more the ex pushed back. So, unless it was something big, we ignored it. It is not easy, but when you look at the big picture (the kids), it makes it easier to swallow. Just be glad she is not fighting for custody.

I would say, do the webcam. Just document everything and don't talk about things in front of the kids. The documentation came in handy for me especially when the ex and her lawyer saw everything in black and white. They did not want the judge seeing my journal.

It sounds like the kids are young, so you will have to cope for a long time. At least with the webcam you have more control and you don't have to see HER. Let things flow. If she is giving up on visitation, the webcam visits will probably start to be last shorter and shorter in time and become further apart. Give it time and find a good alternative to relieve your stress.

I wouldn't say we bicker. Sometimes it doesnt seem like he understands where I am coming from or understand why I feel the way I do. I am trying to find a way to deal with her and learn to ignore her. Its hard for me because every time I turn around it seems she is there and she is usually wanting something. She has emailed my husband now 4 times in the past 2 days. In my eyes, there is no need for that. Maybe its her way of "staying in the click" of things. She keeps telling us she has her own life now, then she needs to live hers and let us live ours.

As far as the webcam goes, guess what? The computers are in our bedroom. I told my husband that I really didnt mind the webcam thing, but with it in my bedroom, I feel like its an invasion of my privacy. I should not have to stay out of my bedroom while she is on the PC. We are working on getting another computer and putting it in another room so the kids can use it there, but that takes time and money. My husband does try and show me the respect I need. He wont let his daughter talk on speaker phone or things like that. He knows that I dont want to hear her sqeaky little voice.

Did your ex always wont you to do things for her? IF so, how did you get out of that? SHe is always wanting things from mine and I getting sick of it.

I usually try and stay busy to keep my mind off things. Stress.....hopefully it gets better.

When we first separated, the ex was always asking me to do things. This didn?t last long because she got mad one day and pushed me into a wall. I never went back into the house after that day. I should have had her arrested, but that would not have been good for the kids. In your case, your husband is remarried and the ex needs to deal with things on her own. She will never move on as long as she has your husband in this vise. Your husband is actually enabling her in a way. She will continue to take advantage as long as this continues.

Then for a year or so, she would alter the visitation schedule - cut it short, want to pick up the kids early, or want to change days. Sometimes I would so yes and sometimes I would say no. I did not let it inconvenience me. It finally got to the point where I had to put my foot down and not allow any changes. She would moan about it, of course, but things eventually straightened out.

As for the webcam, I totally understand how you feel like your privacy is being invaded, especially being your bedroom. I am sure that my wife would have gone nuts if we had that type of set up. Is there a way you can turn the computer so it is facing a wall or put up some type of screen when the webcam is being used? In any case, work on getting rid of that stress. It will only lead to other problems down the road.

Its not usually big things she wants, its just the small things like make her copies of this or bring her this...ya know things like that. And if he doesn't do it, she keeps nagging him until he does. That is usually why he caves. But I keep telling him that the more he does, the more she will want.

They don't have a scheduled visitation at the moment, which is also frustrating. He did this for her because when they got divorced because she was not working and this option they have now was supposed to end and she would start seeing them on a regular schedule. So, now, I never know week by week what her plans will be until a day or two beforehand. We are going to give her a few more months and see if she makes any changes, because my husband has journal as well. And it doesn't look very good where she is concerned.

We are in the process of looking for another computer. I think my husband finally saw where I was coming from. He does try to be respectful of me and he tries to understand where I am coming from, but a part of him is also blind to her.

If your wife could give any advice, what do you think it would be?

If my wife could give anyone advice, it would be, "Don't marry a guy with baggage." Too late in your case and in my wife's case.

You are so right about your husband doing the little things for his ex. She will keep asking for more. For the webcam, maybe you can convince your husband to tell the ex either these are the available times the kids can talk to you or for her to provide you with the times she can talk before a particular day and you will let her know what is convenient. You two have to get control back. She will only continue to take advantage of you. You shouldn't have to go out and purchase a new computer, but I understand your reasoning. Any chance the ex would pay for half? Probably a dumb question from the sound of things.

I will say again, find a good stress release - both of you. Good Luck!

Claudia, here is one for you:

A Wish For Ex-Wife

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure.
He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said 'I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double.'
The man agreed, and said 'I wish I had a mansion.'
The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said 'I would like a million dollars.'
The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.
Then the man said, 'Scare me half to death.'

That is so funny. I wish there was such a thing as a genie....I have threatened my husband that I would go online and find out information on voodoo dolls, so when she is being a pain in my ass I can poke her with a very long needle.

Actually we were going to get a new PC anyway, we are just pushing up the date a little. According to the divorce decree she is alloted 2 nights a week for approx. 15 minutes for each child so that would mean about 45 minutes. I dont think it will last that long for the 2 littles ones will not sit there that long. If she sticks to her pattern then this webcam thing will eventually taper off or she could use the hell out it as her compensation to see the kids. You can never tell with this woman.

Baggage...well, I knew all this before we even moved in together, its just you see a whole other side once you get there. I love my husband very much and I would not trade 1 minute of the life I have found with him. Although, I wish evil on her.

My husband and I have found that the best stress reliever for us is, of course, SEX!!!!!